Nerves

I'm getting pretty antsy about leaving for Uppsala. It's not so much the trip in itself, since I've basically done it before. Not that exact city, of course, but I've taken several trips that were very similar, have lived abroad, all that jazz. Of course this time will be different since I'll be attending a foreign university, but still. Once the initial anxiety of "oh God I'm in a new place and have no idea what I'm supposed to DO!" wears off, I'll adjust pretty quickly. Always have before, at least, so I have that going for me. I also have several dear friends not far away, and that's very comforting since it's a fairly new development in my life.

No, most of the nervousness I haven't been able to shake lately is due to the whole residence permit situation. Anyone who knows me or has followed my blogs in the past few years knows how disappointed I was in being unable to get a residence permit approved for Lund in 2009. I was told that the Migration Board didn't accept conditional loans. Now, of course, that was an online masters program, and the loan program for American students studying abroad has changed a lot since then. I've been assured that the student loans are accepted now, and there's not much more I can do about it but wait and hope.

I still have more than a month until classes actually begin, and I received an email from the Permit Unit on July 15th stating that they were looking at my case. So, it shouldn't take too long, all told. Could, of course, but I'm hoping they can get an answer to me sometime in the beginning/middle of August.

I just feel like I'm sort of locked in place. If the permit gets approved, I'll be spending at least the next two years of my life in Sweden. That makes me really happy, but I sort of need to prepare for a big move like that. I have airline tickets to buy, housing to get sorted out, shopping to do (for luggage, a good laptop, a global phone, etc.), and a lot of mental preparation since I'll be attending a large university with a lot of people to interact with on a regular basis. I'm pretty confident that I can do it, and think I need to in order to grow as a person, but it's still gonna take some getting used to in my head.

If the permit isn't approved, well...I'm going to appeal that decision. I did with Lund, too, but it didn't work. Still, the loans are offered by the school, if a student isn't allowed to GO to school with them they shouldn't be offered, and since the school has assured me they're accepted, I will appeal. But I also don't want to start preparing to go before I know for sure. I think the experience with Lund left a bad taste in my mouth about the entire process, and I'm not going to buy a new laptop, phone and luggage, or a plane ticket, without being 100% sure.

Waiting is hard. I lack patience. lol

A Tribute to a Great Man

I read an article in the local paper a few minutes ago about my former high school science teacher. He was found by a coworker last year, conscious but disoriented on his classroom floor. It appeared that he'd fallen and hit his head. I don't think anyone is sure of exactly what caused this, but he was taken for emergency brain surgery. Came through it remarkably well and it appeared it he was going to recover. He was learning to walk again and was doing well, but needed some more surgery to install some plates in his head. After that, he suffered some strokes, and his family has now made the decision to take him off life support.

I can't say I was ever close to the man, but I did like him a great deal. He knew I was interested in astronomy and would frequently bring me articles and information on new discoveries and space missions, although I was a student in his basic Earth Sciences class. My brain doesn't deal well with most numeric and scientific information and I was relegated to remedial science courses, but he never treated me as if I was stupid. He saw that I was genuinely interested in things like astronomy and botany and always tried to make whatever we happened to be working on interesting for me in a real-world context.

I think what I remember most about him is the way he spoke to me. He never talked down to me, although I was a pretty dumb kid and close to retarded when it came to the subject he was trying to teach me (and often failing. I barely passed the required year of biology and earth science and never took any sciences after that). But he talked to me as if I was a friend rather than a slightly less than mediocre student, and I'll always be grateful to him for that. I was in his classes during a really rough time in my life, right around when I was kicked out of my parents' house for good. He had a general knowledge of what was going on, but never brought it up. Instead he'd talk to me about the different types of trees and climates they grew in best, planets and nebulae and galaxies. And, when we somehow got on the topic of Japan one day, he'd talk to me about just about anything related. He was the faculty adviser for the Science Club, and at the meetings he'd show us anime he found particularly good both in story and art style. He coordinated bus trips from school to awesome places like the Shedd Aquarium and museums in Chicago, and he always seemed so damn HAPPY to say hi to his students in the halls. He loved his job and it was obvious, and while I'm certain I wasn't his best student nor his favorite, he made me feel like I was.

I regret now that I wasn't closer to him. I could have been, most likely, since we did have some of the same interests and he was an incredibly easy man to talk to. But I never did, because I never did with anyone.

To be honest I hadn't thought of him in years, before reading the article about his initial incident in November. And then, when it seemed like he'd recover, I stopped thinking about him again. Now, knowing that he's not going to be long for this world, I can't stop myself from feeling guilty that I didn't get to know him better, or ever tell him how thankful I am for the respect and friendship he showed me during a very dark time in my life. He was one of the few adults, even to this day, that ever made me feel equal, and I'm surprised how much of that has stuck with me. It's been a decade since I graduated and I can still remember the sense of security I had after talking to him, even about something as insignificant as anime or deciduous trees.

I will mourn him, and I will remember him as one of the bright spots in a childhood and adolescence that sucked most of the time. He has a baby daughter, and I really hope that people tell her as much as they can remember about him. He was a wonderful man and I was lucky enough to know him, in however limited a fashion I actually did. He has had a profound influence and effect on my life, even if it took me years and a tragedy to realize it.

I hope he gets all the commendation he deserves for being such a great educator, friend and human being.

Link to Moline Dispatch article: http://qconline.com/archives/qco/display.php?id=544905

I always seem to shoot myself in the foot (a study in avoidance)

I know I haven't updated in awhile, and to anyone that reads this (yeah, as if, but just on the off-chance) I'm sorry for that, but nothing really interesting has been happening so I felt no need to clutter my pretty blog up with posts about watching Doctor Who like a rabid fangirl and going for short walks around the neighborhood.

I did start my two classes at American Public University, and those are going fairly well so far, although my level of motivation is virtually nil. Still, they make me feel like I'm not completely wasting my time, so they're serving their purpose. I was also accepted into a masters program at Uppsala University, which is good news but I'm trying to hold off on getting into party mode over it until the residence permit is in my hands. I know it sounds defeatist, but my experiences with the Swedish Migration Board have NOT been very good so far and I don't want to get my hopes up only to have them dashed for some arbitrary reason decided on that day by some disgruntled bureaucratic worker. But I digress, and say only that I'll do my best to make it happen.

I am also pleased to report that I got a job, after almost five months of searching. It happened rather suddenly, and I didn't exactly go about accepting it the way I should have as an avoidant. Basically, I did something I know better than to do and feel like a complete dunce about it.

I'd responded to an ad for a customer service rep at a local camera repair shop months ago. They only called on Tuesday, and an interview was set up for 10am Wednesday. I went, and although I had some awkward moments I was apparently coherent enough to pass their tests, as I was offered the job.

Which is yay! I was pleased. But that's not the bad part. The bad part is that the rather kindly old man who hired me asked when I'd like to start, and to make a good impression I told him I could start at any time. He suggested I come in tomorrow at 10am to begin my first day. I agreed.

Now, for most people this wouldn't be a huge issue. I'm sure anyone would be a bit nervous, but they'd be able to go, and to be okay with going. I thought, when I agreed, that I could be that way too, but given my history I should have known better.

I am panicking. A lot. Not currently having an attack but several have already taken place, and the anxiety is immense. With my avoidance, any abrupt changes in schedule can cause chaos, especially if they're unexpected. This one was. Generally, if I know I'm to begin something and I have a few days to get used to the idea, I can be pretty okay with it. But without that preparation time for my mind, I am a complete wreck.

I don't know why I self-sabotage this way. I really wish I'd just asked to start on Monday instead, would have given me a bit of time to adjust to the idea. I'm pretty much kicking myself now for not asking for the rest of the week/weekend to get acclimated to the notion that I'll be starting new things.

But yeah, too late now. I suppose if I'm feeling this badly I can call in the morning and see if they might be okay with it. I don't want to, since that will look bad, but if it's bad enough I may have to. It's to the point where I can barely fathom breathing let alone leaving the house, and the idea of going there and trying to learn all these new things in a new place with people who will think I'm an idiot is making me have palpitations. I feel physically drained, tense and my breathing is funny.

They do have an answering machine at the shop. I am really considering calling and telling them that I've fallen ill, and asking to put off my start date until Monday if it's not too terribly inconvenient for them. Yes, it would be a sort of lie, and one I wouldn't be proud of, but it does have truth in it. The way I am feeling at this moment, I cannot leave the house, let alone work in any kind of effective way.

Logically I know that if I do call, explain that I'm ill and will not be able to make it in, they will more than likely be understanding and allow me to begin Monday instead. It doesn't seem like something they would simply pass me over for the job about. Of course, I don't know this for sure but things do happen, and to all intents and purposes I am quite ill today. Not from anything contagious but my heart is racing, I am anxious, my head is a complete and utter mess and I wouldn't be able to retain anything they taught me to begin with.

I feel awful. Either scenario, going and fighting through it or staying home and praying they give me a second chance, terrifies me. I hate the idea of anyone thinking I'm lazy or incompetent. I'm not. I want to work. I want this job, I simply don't think I can handle going and trying to act like I'm okay when I'm not and when I desperately need a little time to get accustomed to the idea.

I feel like a failure.

Blah

I'm having sort of a weird day. While I'm feeling a little better about myself in general, just in basic concepts like self image and my own intelligence, I'm feeling worse in the whole employment and education area. This is probably because I have two classes starting Monday the 7th, one on ancient Greece and the other on the Renaissance and Reformation. I'm excited about them, but at the same time feel that they might be...well, some sort of consolation prize or something. I know it's ridiculous to feel that way, since finding them and the degree program itself was sort of a dream come true. I've always wanted to study history, especially ancient, and when I was able to find an online degree in the subject, I was usually very un or under qualified since my bachelor degree is in general studies. This university (the civilian branch of the American Military University) is all online, has no prerequisites other than a bachelor's degree in any field, and was incredibly easy to get into. I'm enrolled in the Ancient and Medieval History masters program, and depending on how many courses I choose to take I can finish the degree in either 2 or 3 years. Exactly what I wanted, except for the fact that without the prerequisites, I feel kinda like a moron. I mean...if an idiot with no qualifications can be admitted, what does that make me? I know I'm shooting myself in the foot with this way of thinking, but I can't seem to help it. My mind tends to go in self-destructive cycles like this, where even if I'm getting everything I wanted, I find some way to sabotage feeling good about it by making myself feel unworthy of it or finding some arbitrary reason to think that the thing I wanted is somehow not good enough by allowing me to HAVE it. Fun times, huh?

Regardless of my idiotic thought patterns, I'm excited about the prospect of having something to DO. I didn't realize just how bored I was until earlier today, browsing the classifieds yet again for job openings. I was hit by a sudden wave of longing to do anything on earth other than sit in front of the computer watching TV shows and reading fanfic all day, which surprised me, because when I'm working or doing schoolwork those things seem to be all I want to do. (Yeah, I know...never claimed to be interesting). I was laid off on December 7th, and as of Monday I'll have been out of work for three months. I'm incredibly bored. I'm also poor, but able to make do. Not well or anything, but I have food, clothing and shelter, so I could get by until my student loans come in. But I don't think I'll be able to sit here and do nothing until then. The job situation makes me feel terrible because one would think that a bachelor degree would make one eligible for jobs, but this doesn't seem to be the case, and it hurts. I want to work, I simply cannot seem to find anywhere willing to hire me. Quite a blow to the ego.

I'm also incredibly nervous about my applications for grad school. The waiting is nerve wracking, and chances are I'll be waiting at least another month to hear anything. While I could continue in my history degree and be just fine, the fact is that I don't want to continue my studies online. I want to be on a campus, in Europe, rather than sitting in Moline in front of my computer. And I'm scared that I won't get in at any of the schools I've applied to. My undergraduate grades were mediocre, and aside from that I just feel unworthy of it because I want it so very much. My top choice is Bergen, and I'm not even entertaining the possibility that I'll get in because I'm so sure I won't. Then comes Sweden, which I won't be able to afford without a scholarship, and my chances for that are virtually nil. Then is the Netherlands, which is appealing but expensive. Still, I could make it work if I need to, and I'd much rather be there and poor than here and still poor.

I don't know. I want to feel worthy of things but I just don't, and it's hard to walk that line when I'm starting to feel a little bit okay with who and how I am.

Avoidance

I was cleaning out my external hard drive earlier this evening and found an old picture that I'd taken during my first trip to Edinburgh in 2007. It made me homesick for the city, as I haven't been back since early 2009 and it seems like a lifetime ago. I suppose that's fairly understandable since I've changed so much in two years, but still.

The one thing that strikes me as somewhat odd is how much I adored Edinburgh while I was there. It's a beautiful city, and I wandered a hell of a lot. But my avoidant tendencies were at just about their lowest point while I was living there. I was able to leave my room, most days, to look for work or to complete some schoolwork at an internet cafe in the city center before getting my own computer. I took lots of random bus rides to all the little outlying villages and towns and saw so many things that I'm so immensely grateful for. But I did it alone. Not entirely, as I was close to my best friend, and we talked all the time over messenger. Eventually she became my girlfriend, and I went to Sweden to see her twice, once for a week right after arriving in Edinburgh and for almost a month over Christmas of that year. But to all intents and purposes, other than talking to her online, I was alone in Edinburgh.

I did get up the courage to go meet up with one of my lovely Scottish friends who was attending uni in the city, but it only happened once. She was great, knew about my social issues and didn't seem to mind terribly. I wish I'd been able to see her more, would have been fun, but sadly I was in a terrible state while I was in Scotland. I spent the majority of my free time in my room. Found it difficult to even speak to my roommate, and he's one of the gentlest guys on the planet. I still feel a bit bad for not really interacting with him, but I was terrified he'd think I was an idiot. Hell, even during Christmas with my girlfriend's family I hid in their guest room. I didn't WANT to, but I was so scared of them I couldn't come out and interact. She told me later that her parents think I'm weird. Well...yeah.

Anyway, as I said, for all the avoidance issues I adored Edinburgh and would love to go see it when I'm a bit more socially able. I kinda figured Sweden would be just as lonely, but I met people who seemed to accept me, and the effect that had on my AvPD was amazing. I wanted to be social there, with them, and for the most part, I was. I can be as stubborn as an Alabama mule when I really want something, especially when that has to do with improving my personality. (This will probably get siphoned into my weight loss and health plan next...I feel like butt, and I'm tired of it. Not exactly personality but yeah...)

I've been a shut-in since coming back to America. There are a lot of reasons for this, but it needs to end. Or at least lessen, somewhat. Gonna work on that.

I want OUT

I'm sure everyone's heard of the shootings in Arizona by now. And I'm sure that pretty much everyone reading this knows how badly I've wanted to leave America for years. This event has made me feel unsafe in my own country. Yes, the gunman was clearly not right in the head, but...the fact that a prominent if often joked about politician ran this ad not long beforehand?

I mean, what the holy hell IS that?? A list of names and crosshairs spread over the map indicating where the people on the list are. Okay, I'm sure Palin didn't actually MEAN it to be taken literally, but...come on, woman, you live in America. Alaska, yeah, but you're still an American and you fucking know what the gun culture is here. What on earth would EVER possess you to post something like that? And you wonder why so many people hate you. The bad part is that for every sensible, goodhearted American who despises you and what you stand for, there are one or more who fully support you. Sometimes, like this one, quite literally.

I think what scares me the most about all this is that this list is targeting those who voted for the new "universal" (HA!) health plan. What the everloving fuck is wrong with people? A nine year old girl was shot and killed, along with many others. Way too many. And that makes me sick. And scared.

I've been scared to live here for a long time. Instances like this are far too common. The health care is abysmal, and this incident just proves how completely fucking moronic a good portion of the country is about universal health care systems. I've been told I'm less than human my entire life based on who I love, and I simply do not feel in any way comfortable trying to plan out any sort of life in this country.

I believe in revolution. Wholeheartedly. And I do think America can live up to the tiniest bit of its potential if it drops all the arrogance, ignorance and pretense. But a nation, or at least a man fueled by a political campaign driven by hatred and violence, that makes war on children at a grocery store on a weekend is not a place I want to live.

Call it an overreaction. At this point I honestly don't care.

Update to the Grandma Conundrum of late 2010

So...she called most of the night, and started in again at 7am this morning. I finally got sick of my phone flashing (I had it on silent since she just keeps calling, but there's still a light that blinks at me angrily). And I was starting to feel kinda bad for ignoring her, so against my better judgment I answered on about her 30th call of the day.

She asked how long I had been in Switzerland. I told her I've never been there, and had been in Sweden. She said that someone told her Switzerland, so I told her they were mistaken. Apparently, that was super offensive to her because she starting yelling about how "well, all those years of schooling made you a smart mouth sarcastic bitch." I hadn't said it with any sarcasm, but sure thing. The only reason I didn't hang up on her is because I know she's manic. Not that it excuses her, but meh. Anyway, she played 20 questions with me for awhile, and ended up asking if I'm working. I said no, I'm laid off at the moment. At this, she perked up and told me I should come out and clean her house because she's in a wheelchair and the house is therefore dirty.

Just....no fucking way in hell. No. First of all, she wouldn't be grilling me with questions if she didn't intend to talk to my dad about me, and I DO NOT want anything to do with him. Also, there's no way out to her house, it's an old farm way out in the country. And I just frankly don't want to go out there and clean the place. She suggested my dad could bring me out and then got mad when I told her I don't wanna see my dad, because "he hasn't done anything to you!!1"

FUCK. YOU. The asshole kicked me out to fucking DIE. I don't give a fuck if he's your kid, he did that and I am completely and totally JUSTIFIED in wanting nothing to do with that side of my family. I have been trying to get over this shit for years now.

Maybe that makes me a bad granddaughter. I have no idea. But my grandma gets extremely mean, and my grandpa is an abusive racist homophobic asshole, and I don't see why I need to be around these people. What good will it do any of us? They haven't been part of my life for years.

I'm just really, really stressed about all this. Sorry for venting at everyone.