Avoidance

I was cleaning out my external hard drive earlier this evening and found an old picture that I'd taken during my first trip to Edinburgh in 2007. It made me homesick for the city, as I haven't been back since early 2009 and it seems like a lifetime ago. I suppose that's fairly understandable since I've changed so much in two years, but still.

The one thing that strikes me as somewhat odd is how much I adored Edinburgh while I was there. It's a beautiful city, and I wandered a hell of a lot. But my avoidant tendencies were at just about their lowest point while I was living there. I was able to leave my room, most days, to look for work or to complete some schoolwork at an internet cafe in the city center before getting my own computer. I took lots of random bus rides to all the little outlying villages and towns and saw so many things that I'm so immensely grateful for. But I did it alone. Not entirely, as I was close to my best friend, and we talked all the time over messenger. Eventually she became my girlfriend, and I went to Sweden to see her twice, once for a week right after arriving in Edinburgh and for almost a month over Christmas of that year. But to all intents and purposes, other than talking to her online, I was alone in Edinburgh.

I did get up the courage to go meet up with one of my lovely Scottish friends who was attending uni in the city, but it only happened once. She was great, knew about my social issues and didn't seem to mind terribly. I wish I'd been able to see her more, would have been fun, but sadly I was in a terrible state while I was in Scotland. I spent the majority of my free time in my room. Found it difficult to even speak to my roommate, and he's one of the gentlest guys on the planet. I still feel a bit bad for not really interacting with him, but I was terrified he'd think I was an idiot. Hell, even during Christmas with my girlfriend's family I hid in their guest room. I didn't WANT to, but I was so scared of them I couldn't come out and interact. She told me later that her parents think I'm weird. Well...yeah.

Anyway, as I said, for all the avoidance issues I adored Edinburgh and would love to go see it when I'm a bit more socially able. I kinda figured Sweden would be just as lonely, but I met people who seemed to accept me, and the effect that had on my AvPD was amazing. I wanted to be social there, with them, and for the most part, I was. I can be as stubborn as an Alabama mule when I really want something, especially when that has to do with improving my personality. (This will probably get siphoned into my weight loss and health plan next...I feel like butt, and I'm tired of it. Not exactly personality but yeah...)

I've been a shut-in since coming back to America. There are a lot of reasons for this, but it needs to end. Or at least lessen, somewhat. Gonna work on that.

I want OUT

I'm sure everyone's heard of the shootings in Arizona by now. And I'm sure that pretty much everyone reading this knows how badly I've wanted to leave America for years. This event has made me feel unsafe in my own country. Yes, the gunman was clearly not right in the head, but...the fact that a prominent if often joked about politician ran this ad not long beforehand?

I mean, what the holy hell IS that?? A list of names and crosshairs spread over the map indicating where the people on the list are. Okay, I'm sure Palin didn't actually MEAN it to be taken literally, but...come on, woman, you live in America. Alaska, yeah, but you're still an American and you fucking know what the gun culture is here. What on earth would EVER possess you to post something like that? And you wonder why so many people hate you. The bad part is that for every sensible, goodhearted American who despises you and what you stand for, there are one or more who fully support you. Sometimes, like this one, quite literally.

I think what scares me the most about all this is that this list is targeting those who voted for the new "universal" (HA!) health plan. What the everloving fuck is wrong with people? A nine year old girl was shot and killed, along with many others. Way too many. And that makes me sick. And scared.

I've been scared to live here for a long time. Instances like this are far too common. The health care is abysmal, and this incident just proves how completely fucking moronic a good portion of the country is about universal health care systems. I've been told I'm less than human my entire life based on who I love, and I simply do not feel in any way comfortable trying to plan out any sort of life in this country.

I believe in revolution. Wholeheartedly. And I do think America can live up to the tiniest bit of its potential if it drops all the arrogance, ignorance and pretense. But a nation, or at least a man fueled by a political campaign driven by hatred and violence, that makes war on children at a grocery store on a weekend is not a place I want to live.

Call it an overreaction. At this point I honestly don't care.