A Tribute to a Great Man

I read an article in the local paper a few minutes ago about my former high school science teacher. He was found by a coworker last year, conscious but disoriented on his classroom floor. It appeared that he'd fallen and hit his head. I don't think anyone is sure of exactly what caused this, but he was taken for emergency brain surgery. Came through it remarkably well and it appeared it he was going to recover. He was learning to walk again and was doing well, but needed some more surgery to install some plates in his head. After that, he suffered some strokes, and his family has now made the decision to take him off life support.

I can't say I was ever close to the man, but I did like him a great deal. He knew I was interested in astronomy and would frequently bring me articles and information on new discoveries and space missions, although I was a student in his basic Earth Sciences class. My brain doesn't deal well with most numeric and scientific information and I was relegated to remedial science courses, but he never treated me as if I was stupid. He saw that I was genuinely interested in things like astronomy and botany and always tried to make whatever we happened to be working on interesting for me in a real-world context.

I think what I remember most about him is the way he spoke to me. He never talked down to me, although I was a pretty dumb kid and close to retarded when it came to the subject he was trying to teach me (and often failing. I barely passed the required year of biology and earth science and never took any sciences after that). But he talked to me as if I was a friend rather than a slightly less than mediocre student, and I'll always be grateful to him for that. I was in his classes during a really rough time in my life, right around when I was kicked out of my parents' house for good. He had a general knowledge of what was going on, but never brought it up. Instead he'd talk to me about the different types of trees and climates they grew in best, planets and nebulae and galaxies. And, when we somehow got on the topic of Japan one day, he'd talk to me about just about anything related. He was the faculty adviser for the Science Club, and at the meetings he'd show us anime he found particularly good both in story and art style. He coordinated bus trips from school to awesome places like the Shedd Aquarium and museums in Chicago, and he always seemed so damn HAPPY to say hi to his students in the halls. He loved his job and it was obvious, and while I'm certain I wasn't his best student nor his favorite, he made me feel like I was.

I regret now that I wasn't closer to him. I could have been, most likely, since we did have some of the same interests and he was an incredibly easy man to talk to. But I never did, because I never did with anyone.

To be honest I hadn't thought of him in years, before reading the article about his initial incident in November. And then, when it seemed like he'd recover, I stopped thinking about him again. Now, knowing that he's not going to be long for this world, I can't stop myself from feeling guilty that I didn't get to know him better, or ever tell him how thankful I am for the respect and friendship he showed me during a very dark time in my life. He was one of the few adults, even to this day, that ever made me feel equal, and I'm surprised how much of that has stuck with me. It's been a decade since I graduated and I can still remember the sense of security I had after talking to him, even about something as insignificant as anime or deciduous trees.

I will mourn him, and I will remember him as one of the bright spots in a childhood and adolescence that sucked most of the time. He has a baby daughter, and I really hope that people tell her as much as they can remember about him. He was a wonderful man and I was lucky enough to know him, in however limited a fashion I actually did. He has had a profound influence and effect on my life, even if it took me years and a tragedy to realize it.

I hope he gets all the commendation he deserves for being such a great educator, friend and human being.

Link to Moline Dispatch article: http://qconline.com/archives/qco/display.php?id=544905

I always seem to shoot myself in the foot (a study in avoidance)

I know I haven't updated in awhile, and to anyone that reads this (yeah, as if, but just on the off-chance) I'm sorry for that, but nothing really interesting has been happening so I felt no need to clutter my pretty blog up with posts about watching Doctor Who like a rabid fangirl and going for short walks around the neighborhood.

I did start my two classes at American Public University, and those are going fairly well so far, although my level of motivation is virtually nil. Still, they make me feel like I'm not completely wasting my time, so they're serving their purpose. I was also accepted into a masters program at Uppsala University, which is good news but I'm trying to hold off on getting into party mode over it until the residence permit is in my hands. I know it sounds defeatist, but my experiences with the Swedish Migration Board have NOT been very good so far and I don't want to get my hopes up only to have them dashed for some arbitrary reason decided on that day by some disgruntled bureaucratic worker. But I digress, and say only that I'll do my best to make it happen.

I am also pleased to report that I got a job, after almost five months of searching. It happened rather suddenly, and I didn't exactly go about accepting it the way I should have as an avoidant. Basically, I did something I know better than to do and feel like a complete dunce about it.

I'd responded to an ad for a customer service rep at a local camera repair shop months ago. They only called on Tuesday, and an interview was set up for 10am Wednesday. I went, and although I had some awkward moments I was apparently coherent enough to pass their tests, as I was offered the job.

Which is yay! I was pleased. But that's not the bad part. The bad part is that the rather kindly old man who hired me asked when I'd like to start, and to make a good impression I told him I could start at any time. He suggested I come in tomorrow at 10am to begin my first day. I agreed.

Now, for most people this wouldn't be a huge issue. I'm sure anyone would be a bit nervous, but they'd be able to go, and to be okay with going. I thought, when I agreed, that I could be that way too, but given my history I should have known better.

I am panicking. A lot. Not currently having an attack but several have already taken place, and the anxiety is immense. With my avoidance, any abrupt changes in schedule can cause chaos, especially if they're unexpected. This one was. Generally, if I know I'm to begin something and I have a few days to get used to the idea, I can be pretty okay with it. But without that preparation time for my mind, I am a complete wreck.

I don't know why I self-sabotage this way. I really wish I'd just asked to start on Monday instead, would have given me a bit of time to adjust to the idea. I'm pretty much kicking myself now for not asking for the rest of the week/weekend to get acclimated to the notion that I'll be starting new things.

But yeah, too late now. I suppose if I'm feeling this badly I can call in the morning and see if they might be okay with it. I don't want to, since that will look bad, but if it's bad enough I may have to. It's to the point where I can barely fathom breathing let alone leaving the house, and the idea of going there and trying to learn all these new things in a new place with people who will think I'm an idiot is making me have palpitations. I feel physically drained, tense and my breathing is funny.

They do have an answering machine at the shop. I am really considering calling and telling them that I've fallen ill, and asking to put off my start date until Monday if it's not too terribly inconvenient for them. Yes, it would be a sort of lie, and one I wouldn't be proud of, but it does have truth in it. The way I am feeling at this moment, I cannot leave the house, let alone work in any kind of effective way.

Logically I know that if I do call, explain that I'm ill and will not be able to make it in, they will more than likely be understanding and allow me to begin Monday instead. It doesn't seem like something they would simply pass me over for the job about. Of course, I don't know this for sure but things do happen, and to all intents and purposes I am quite ill today. Not from anything contagious but my heart is racing, I am anxious, my head is a complete and utter mess and I wouldn't be able to retain anything they taught me to begin with.

I feel awful. Either scenario, going and fighting through it or staying home and praying they give me a second chance, terrifies me. I hate the idea of anyone thinking I'm lazy or incompetent. I'm not. I want to work. I want this job, I simply don't think I can handle going and trying to act like I'm okay when I'm not and when I desperately need a little time to get accustomed to the idea.

I feel like a failure.