She

She's given me more than I deserve and more than I ever thought I could have.

She never runs away from me even when I want to run away from myself.

She makes me believe that I can be so much better than what I am.

She makes all the agony of the past dissiapte until it ceases to exist.

She is the healing when I am in pain, and she is my tomorrow when I don't think I can make it through the day.

She gives me the faith that I don't have to be trapped by what came before; that I can be something other than the things in my past.

She is the hope I have for change and she's the only chance I'll take.

She makes me smile more than I ever thought I could, and happier than I believed I could be.

She fills the silence with light and the darkness with music.

She makes me believe in me.

She makes me feel serene and calm inside, even when everything seems to be chaos and sadness.

She softens the edges of walls I've spent so many years building, so I can finally start to break them down if I should choose to.

She pulls me back to earth again when I'm on the brink of losing it completely.

She is more than I would ever have dared to ask for, and more than I could ever hope to deserve.

I hope she knows that no matter where she goes and who or what she does, she can always come home to me and I'll hold her (I just ask that she shower first).

I hope she understands that I don't expect or want anything from her other than her love. I never will. Being allowed to be with her at all is more than I could ever have asked for.

I hope she knows that I love her more than I could ever find the words to express.

She has made me so much better for the time she's spent with me, and I don't know how to thank her for that.

I bless the day I met her, and I thank whatever gods there may or may not be for letting me know her.

She is the best thing in my life and she has made this life worth living.

Okay. I've been studying politics for a very long time now, close to the majority of my life, and I'm more than a little jaded. Honestly, I despise many of the things done by my government to the rest of the world, and to the citizens of its own country. (banning gay marriages anyone? Fuck Cali). I've been under the impression that it's a government of the rich, creating laws benefitting the other rich. And I think that to a large extent, I'm still correct about that. (Obama's campaign spent over $150 MILLION lol).

Still, for once in my memory, things worked. No matter how you might feel about Obama, this is historical. Watching black people crying over it on TVtoday, I was reminded of the video footage I watched of Dr. Martin Luther King Jr's "I Have a Dream" speech decades ago (they've been showing it on TV, I know, but at the time I didn't have any idea. lol). I wasn't alive during the bad parts of the civil rights movement (obviously), but I'm well aware of the bigoted attitudes many people still possess. Even in my hometown, there are many racists, my family included. So seeing him win by such a majority really made me happy.

Obviously things aren't perfect. While liberal, President Obama does not support gay rights. That makes me sad, but again, I'm reminded of the civil rights movement and how closely related it is to the gay rights movement. Yesterday in California, a law was passed called Proposition 8. This piece of legislation effectively writes discrimination into the California Constitution by banning and outlawing gay marriages. California is probably the most liberal state in the Union, and it makes me very, very sad.

Still, in my heart of hearts I know that any movement takes time to see significant change. The gay rights movement is still in its infancy in America, and while I don't want to spend my life suffering, I realize it'll take time. That's why i don't want to live in my country anymore; I'm tired of being considered less than a citizen.

Black people have put up with that for more than two centuries, and I don't want to take anything away from how amazing Obama's election is. It makes me proud to be an American for one of the first times in my life. I know things can't change overnight, but Obama gives me hope that they CAN change eventually. That's what I want, and he makes me believe it because I'm dead certain he believes it himself. His acceptance speech proved that; the man looked like he was going to cry when he said "out of many, we can be one." He believes in what America can be, and I think he's the perfect man to lead it.

With all the shit my country throws around on a daily basis, it can still surprise me with the good it can do every now and then.

Royale with Cheese, muthafucka

I just encountered the funniest real life Pulp Fiction reference ever. I went to Burger King for lunch since it's cheap there, and was highly amused to see a sandwich called the Royale up on the menu board. Under that, it said "with cheese." I have never laughed so hard in a fast food place before.

For those of you that do not know the brilliance that is Pulp Fiction, there's a scene toward the beginning where john Travolta and Samuel L. Jackson's characters are in a car heading for an assignment. Travolta's character keeps talking about how they call things differently at the Burger King in France, and how if you're in France, they call the Whopper a Royale with Cheese.

I'd post the clip but this network is denying me. Family friendly things suck.

But yeah. It's hilarious to me. Very, very hilarious.

of course, this is some kinda chicken sandwich rather than a whopper, but i ordered it anyway and had a blast saying "I'd like a Royale with Cheese, please."

lol. this has totally brightened up my day.

Also, I'm scheduled to look at a room tomorrow, and one on Sunday too. The people seem nice and i wasnt scared talking to them. Maybe i can do this after all.

I have the rest of the day free. i'm probably going back to the hostel and book a room for tonight as well. After I finish my Royale with Cheese.

Bestfriend stole my virginity

Yep. She totally popped my Pride cherry and it was amazing. lol.

Actually it was really good. I was scared I wouldnt be able to go, but i did because she wanted to and she's been talking about it for months now.

When we got to the park place, she pointed out a bunch of people that she knows. There were gay dogs and several gay babies. We were given balloons. Mine was a solitary boobie and hers was a penis, which she had great difficulty in blowing. I laughed.

A homophobic bee attacked me, but I got away. Then we went by a stage and people did a weird stupid clapping thing. I did not participate. Then we stood there for ten thousand years and i kept warming her hands up. I was tired of my boobie balloon so i made it go on the ground. She kept her penis but discarded it later on the parade route.

We walked through town with a bunch of fags and dykes and it was okay. Bestfriend held my hand for part of it because hers was cold, and that was the best part for me. We stopped in front of the city hall (I think) which had Pride flags. Behind them was a stage, and bestfriend's loud friend was on it. Some old dude started to talk and we were bored so we went shopping.

We went to a game store and a clothes store and then another store where bestfriend bought cute things. Then we went back by the city hall place and i met bestfriend's loud friend and also a tranny. Then we departed and went to a bookstore, the ATM, Subway, and a candy store. Tomorrow we might go shopping again. I didnt buy anything because i only have my carryone bag but i can always check if i need to. i saw an awesome jacket i want, and a book.

Anyway, yeah. Pride was kinda cool and i'm glad i went, but being with bestfriend was better.

Visa-ish stuffs

Okay. I spent the last two days in Des Moines, IA, which is about 5 hours from here on a bus. I had an appointment to get my fingerprints taken for my visa Thursday at 1pm, so I left Wednesday afternoon. I took a cab to my hotel, which was a Travelodge out next to the interstate surrounded by corn. It was fairly amusing, but a little inconvenient in that the closest place to buy food was two miles down the highway, with no sidewalks. My fat ass ordered a pizza. lol.

I got there pretty late on Wednesday, so once my pizza got there I sat around in the hotel room watching South Park. The room was really fucking nice for the $40 I paid. Hell, I've stayed in rooms that were $120 a night and weren't as nice. Good thing they have that chain in the UK, I think I'll be using them again.

Anyway, Thursday rolled around after the best sleep of my life. That hotel room had the MOST comfortable bed I have EVER slept in. I was in heaven and didn't want to leave! lol.

I wanted to take a bus to the federal building where my appointment was, since a taxi from the bus station cost me $15. I laughed my ass off when I called the bus company and was told that the bus stops 2 miles from my hotel. Fuck that, I thought, and called a cab.

I got there in plenty of time, and the people in the immigration office (Department of Homeland Security, officially...lol) were really nice. No hitches involved. Then, I set out for the post office to get everything sent to the British Consulate office in Chicago. I'd googled the post office's location before leaving home, and it was supposed to be five blocks away.

It was, but the window was closed, so I couldn't do anything. lol. It closed at 1pm and I was there at 1:26pm. Just my luck. Now, I'm sure I could have waited until I got home to send it, but I wanted to do it as quickly as possible, so I called Directory Assistance and they told me to walk a mile in the other direction. I did, and got all my documents overnighted. They were delivered at 11:23am today according to the tracking service. So...yay! I'm still mildly cautious, but I checked everything over at least 5 times before I sent it, so I should be good to go. Let's just hope they get it back to me in short order!

I ended up taking a bus back to the hotel and walking the two miles along the highway, lol. Adding to the lack of sleep last night, I'm pretty much exhausted.

Oh, and as to the driver's license stuff: I'd been playing phone tag since last week, but I got a voicemail on the bus home. The lady said that she'd called the State rather than messing with the forms, and that everything should be okay now.

I'm scared to be this happy.

Soaps

Okay, so...I was sitting here earlier and got to wondering about soaps and deodorants and such things, and if they're different in different countries. I'm pretty sure they are, and this is a bad thing because I am very very picky about which of these types of products I use.

I sweat a lot. I know, it's gross and it's not as if I enjoy it, but I can't exactly help it. I'm sure being chubby doesn't help, but I did the same thing when I was 70 pounds, so I'm pretty sure my fatness isn't the reason. Everyone in my family seems to have the same problem. I'm naturally very warm anyway, so yeah.

For that reason, I've been using men's products for a long time, simply because they're stronger. Yeah, I get funny looks sometimes, but what cashier bitches need to understand is that the flowery girly shit isn't gonna do a whole lot for me. And in general, guy stuff smells better anyway. I really don't feel the need to smell like a baby's ass all day.

Smell is my keenest sense, so I like to smell good. And usually I'll buy a rather strong scent so that if I'm in a situation where I know I'll be sweating, I won't smell awful. I generally bathe and change every article of clothing at least twice a day.

So, yeah. I'm a little scared to move to Scotland because I don't know their products, and I don't know how well they work. Same thing in Sweden. So that means I'll have to test them, and that always sucks.

There is absolutely no point to this post. Yay soap.

Driving Paranoia

It might stem from the fact that, kept from taking Driver's Ed in high school due to my bitchy stepmother and having no one to teach me until I turned 19, I didn't even learn to drive until years after the general population of the country usually does. Add to that the horror stories my stepmom (yep, the same butch one as mentioned earlier) always told me about diabetics having severe reactions behind the wheel and killing small children playing in their backyards, and it's small wonder that I'm a little leery of driving a vehicle weighing several tons and controlled by me alone around a town populated by hundreds of thousands of these same vehicles, many driven by people that by all rights shouldn't even be allowed to leave their houses, let alone drive.

Now that I'm making somewhat decent money, the first thing that family members and friends like to ask me is when I'll be getting a car. Now, I do admit that the thought has crossed my mind. There would undoubtedly be certain benefits, such as being able to leave my house after six pm without worrying about how I'll make it back. (Yes, public transportation here is a black hole of stupid). I'd be able to take a much less stressful job, namely the nice one at the cable company that I wanted to take more than anything last month, but was unable to since the shift ended at 9pm and I'd have been stuck ten miles from my house in the dead of winter. I'd also be able to go to Jimmy John's, a sandwich shop that I adore but that does not deliver to my house due to distance.

However, I also have to consider the downfalls of purchasing a car. For one, the expense would be ridiculous. On top of the initial purchase and upkeep, not to mention fuel, insurance costs for a Type I diabetic would be astronomical. Aside from that, I'd much rather be spending that money on something cool, like a trip to Ireland or something.

I also have to keep in mind that my driving paranoia is real, and I find it pretty justified. I've always had a problem detecting insulin reactions in their early stages, which means that should I have one while driving, I might not even feel it until I was already pretty impaired. The very thought of that freaks me out...I've seen old episodes of Cops where a diabetic in reaction was pulled over on suspicion of drunk driving. They weren't arrested for it, of course, since they were able to prove the disease, but still...if I were driving as though I were drunk without even realizing I was doing so, well, I don't even want to think about it.

I'm sure that I'd be able to overcome this fear before too terribly long by always testing my blood sugars before I drove, but still. Even that doesn't away the possibility that something could happen. Which brings me to an entirely different facet of my paranoia: there's always the chance something could happen. Be it bad weather, a mechanical malfunction, the bad decisions of other drivers, a dog running into the road...the possibilities are endless. Now, of course I realize that this is something people face every day, and that nothing is 100% guaranteed to be safe. Yet I can't help but think that if more people were to consider these possibilities every time they got behind the wheel, there would be far fewer people on the road, and far more use of public transit opportunities.

I break into a cold sweat before I drive (on the rare occasions I have, of course), but once I get on the road, my nerves calm enough so that I'm not scared anymore. It's a little bit like the stage fright I used to feel before my solos in choir: I'd worry myself to the point of nausea before the performance, but the second I walked on stage, I was fine. I'm sure feeling freaked out beforehand is much better than the opposite, but I'd rather not lose sleep over it if I can help it. Just like with my asshole sales job...I'm leaving that as soon as I can find something not quite as assholish or that deprives me of sleep and sanity. Which, when it comes to the latter, I very well have none of to begin with.

As much as it sucks, and as much as I feel like a fool for being so paranoid about something so seemingly simple, I have to say that I don't really envision myself driving on a regular basis at any point in my life. Of course, to make this plan work, I'll most likely have to move to a major metropolitan area (NYC, Chicago) where public transit isn't an issue. Who knows, at this point I'd be satisfied if the damn bus went by my house later than 6pm.