Coming Out of the Nonexistent Closet (or, having a meaningless life experience 20 years too late!)

I started this post before midnight. With my Internet ADD it won't be posted until National Coming Out Day is over, but fuck it. I've waited 28 years and I'm gonna have my coming out party here on these innerwebs, official days be damned!

I never came out of the closet. Not once. Never had the inclination or the need to announce what was so integral to my many failures at heterosexual dating (yeah, think on THAT a spell), and I feel like I've missed one of the most defining experiences in any young gay person's life. I've always been really dykey and my first crush was on Connie Sellecca when I was about 3, so I never had one of those big "OMG BEWBS ARE PRETTY I MAY POSSIBLY LIKE TO TOUCH THEM" epiphanies. It was never a big deal to me, I was just gay. Well, bi, but the difference is pretty much negligible in my case so it's the same damn thing anyway. I never had to really tell my family either. My dad and stepmom didn't care enough to care in the first place, and my grandparents were and always have been really cool about it. Apparently I was an obvious dyke because I don't remember them being unaware or not okay with it. So I've never had to come out to anyone, and I can't help feeling somewhat robbed by this fact.

I have to admit I'm a little envious of all the gays who find their lives suddenly making sense when they set eyes upon some beautiful person of the same gender. For me it was always like "oh, cool, hot chick. Groovy." I can't recall it ever being a big deal.

Now, I wanted to make a silly post but I have to admit that I was really lucky growing up. My town isn't exactly Mayberry but it's not really very modernized either. It's mainly a working-class midsize town in the Midwestern US. Having always been openly gay, I'm really lucky, all things considered. Sure, I had my ass kicked a lot, but it wasn't always for being a big homo as I was also bookish, nonathletic, unpopular and not attractive. Still, I did receive a lot of fists in my face/ribs/general soft areas for being gay. I also got death threats and all that good stuff, and if I even glanced at anyone in the locker room after gym class I was apparently going to morph into SuperDyke Rapist. I still find that funny since I was very short, chubby, completely uncoordinated and an ant could have beaten me up, so I'm not sure exactly what damage I could have done to anyone. Oh well, apparently the mere fact that I liked girls somehow meant that I fantasized about every single female I laid eyes upon ever. Even random clerks at the grocery store and bathroom attendants.

Anyway, I've had several friends come out to me, and while I'm always flattered that they chose me I do wonder what it must be like to tell someone a huge secret like that. It must be so damn liberating. I'm pretty much a headcase, but I've always known who I am. I can't imagine suddenly discovering it one day, and I guess I envy that feeling of just letting go.

This post totally didn't turn out the way I expected (oh hey, just like my life!) but I'm way too lazy/not witty enough to go back and throw random funnies in, so this is what you get.

Oh and also, because I never got to say it...

I'm gay.

Now where's my confetti, bitches?