Sigh. I don't know why it is that I can't live in peace, avoiding the people I wish to avoid. I am an adult, and I should think that if I do not wish to associate with my father or any of his family I should fucking be afforded that right. Apparently not, because at approximately 8:23 this evening my phone rang. Upon seeing that the number was my bipolar paternal grandmother's, I decided not to answer. Mainly because my number is not listed and I have not given it to her, so I was wary and scared of how she had gotten it.
Now, as I said, she's bipolar. That's the side of the family it comes from. My dad is as well, but his mom...well, she tends to get pretty manic once or twice a year. Her mania generally involves calling people constantly, and I do mean fucking constantly. After her first call and voicemail, she wound up leaving me six more in a span of half an hour. All the messages are "Heather...this is your grandma Janet. I'm going to bed soon but I'm waiting for you to call..." Sounds harmless, I know, but SEVEN of them in half an hour? No. Just no. This woman never tries to seek me out when she's not manic. Ever. That being the case, I've only spoken to her several times since my dad threw me out of the house, and those times were because my other family members gave her my number.
Now, I suppose they think that they're being nice, and that I'm an asshole for not wanting to talk to my grandmother. Okay, fair point, But the only thing she does when I do talk to her is yell at me for not keeping in touch better, and asking me every single detail of my life so she can report it back to my father. Her son, the man who threw me out to die the second I turned 18 and was no longer his legal responsibility. I'm a type one diabetic and had just started my senior year of high school, but so what? Wasn't HIS problem. And I'm sorry to those who think I suck for not wanting to talk to him, but I don't. I don't want him to have any knowledge of what's going on in my life. And I feel I am perfectly entitled to that.
I live in an apartment in a home owned by my mother's grandmother. Apparently, my grandma Janet has her phone number, because according to my gran she's called three times a day since the day before Christmas. Tonight she asked for my phone number, and my gran GAVE it to her. I suppose I can't be mad at my gran, but for fuck's sake. Why do they think that I need to be in touch with my father's family? She didn't have my number for a REASON. Now my father will have it and he's going to start coming over here like he always fucking does. I have no idea why, he kicked me out so there's no reason for him to come check up on me, but he does it anyway and I am pretty damn anxious about it.
Once upon a time, I wanted to try to have some kind of relationship with my dad. I wanted to salvage something. But it's too damn hard, or I'm too much of a pussy, or something. I can't forget what he did, and the worst part is that he always acts like it was perfectly fine, like it was normal, like I didn't almost fucking DIE because he's a hateful homophobic prick. And while I've made my peace with it in my waking life (I have nightmares about it, probably always will, but I'm actually pretty okay with it in daily life) I cannot fucking be around him. Even the thought of it makes me anxious as hell. I just can't. I wanted to for my brothers, but they're basically strangers to me, and there just isn't a point. It's too much for my head. When I see him I'm reduced to that social recluse scared of breathing the wrong way lest he punch me in the gut for it on one of his bad days.
Just...buh. I'm dreading the next few days because I'm so damn certain he's going to show up and yell at me for not telling him I'm back in America. Logically I know he can't touch me...hell, he's old now, he couldn't hurt me if he wanted to. So why the hell am I so terrified of him?
I gotta get the FUCK out of this town. Posthaste.
In other, better news though, I was able to pay my application fee for Uppsala today. Now I can send in my supporting documentation as well as the scholarship application, and I'm good to go! I also watched Black Swan tonight and am a little weirded out. People have been saying the sex scene is really hot but...no. If that's hot to people, they have extremely limited ideas about lesbian sex. Yeah, the actresses are hot, but the scene is like 20 seconds of boring. The movie was weird as fuck too, and about as subtle as a two by four to the face. Egads, y'all.
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